What I Learned about Infidelity from a love and relationship coach
September 28, 2020
Preventing and Dealing With Infidelity
Photo Infidelity. It’s a topic that’s hardly black and white, but many people think they know what their reaction would be if their partner strayed.
So many women say, “I know exactly what I would do if my partner cheated.” But do we, really?
I wanted to dive into this topic on my live talk show and podcast, We Gotta Talk, because of its many facets, and of course talk with an expert whose job it is to coach couples through this type of betrayal.
Here are just a few things I learned after my interview with Sandy Weiner, love and relationship coach, TEDx speaker and founder of Last First Date.
Preventing and dealing with infidelity
Are Women more often the Victims of infidelity?
This may be a case of serious social conditioning coming out, but as most media would portray it, it can seem like women are most often the victims of their (often male) partners’ infidelity. So my first question was if her experience has borne that out.
“Probably, but I know many women who were the cheaters. … People in long term relationships [can] end up being really unhappy so both sides can be miserable. … There’s this sort of badge of courage people hold which is, ‘I would never leave my spouse, but it’s okay to cheat.’”
There’s More Opportunity Than Ever to Cheat, but that doesn’t necessarily correlate to more infidelity
It doesn’t take a genius to realize that we have more ways than ever to communicate with each other—both a blessing and a curse, in that it facilitates connection, but also increases our contact with others.
In generations past, our exposure to temptation may have been limited to the time we spent physically away from our partners. Now that we can chat anywhere, anytime, anyhow, there are undoubtedly more ways to connect with others, which also means more opportunities for infidelity.
“We have social media now, which opens up other doors. But I think people have always found a way.
I think a lot of infidelity comes from the inability to express how we feel to the most important person in our life. So much could be resolved if we just talked.”
“I think a lot of infidelity comes from the inability to express how we feel to the most important person in our life. So much could be resolved if we just talked.”
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Chemistry is Good, but never Ignore Compatibility
I’ve found that most conversations with friends of mine, when in the early stages of relationships, often start with comments like, “The chemistry was just so great!” So of course I had to ask Sandy, how much of a role does chemistry play in the success of a relationship?
“What is successful is that happy medium between chemistry and compatibility. .. Chemistry can often be lust and not really love. We’re drawn in by all these chemical responses, so we get into relationships that aren’t good. … The butterflies could mean this relationship is amazing, but it has to have other components. Often times when we lead with just the chemistry … we get blinded to the really important red flags that are waving in our face.”
“What is successful is that happy medium between chemistry and compatibility.”
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You Can Come Back After Infidelity, Maybe Be Stronger Than Ever
The first thing someone who experiences infidelity might think, Is this it? Does this have to be the end?
I posed this question to Sandy, and here is what she had to say:
“It takes two, and it depends on if the bones were there to begin with. … Go to therapy, go to coaching, go to someone who’s going to help you glue it back together. … If you want it to succeed, you have to figure out where it fell apart. If it fell apart because it was never there to begin with then there’s no coming back.
If it fell apart because one person was nagging the other person … and they had no idea how to speak about it, then learning communication skills can really heal.
Trust is hard to heal. … But many couples do come back with new agreements and new ways of being to rebuild the relationship; and often it will come back stronger because those holes that were never addressed now get addressed and now get filled up.”
“Trust is hard to heal, but … many couples do come back with new agreements and new ways of being to rebuild the relationship; and often it will come back stronger because those holes that were never addressed now get addressed and now get filled up.”
If You’re Worried You’re Drifting Apart from Your Spouse or Partner, Speak Up
I just love what Sandy had to say about how to find a way to reconnect, if you’re concerned you and your partner have lost connection. When I asked her for a way someone can spark a meaningful conversation with their partner to heal a rift (and potentially lead to infidelity), this is what she said, which is so good:
“The intention is to connect. .. I care so much about you and I noticed we’re drifting apart, and I want to heal this relationship because I love you very much. Are you open to having this conversation with me?” She says that creates a safe space where your partner can feel heard, and not accused or attacked.
Intrigued? Want to hear more of Sandy’s sage advice? Listen to the whole podcast episode HERE, or click below!
Video more your thing? Watch me and Sandy chat on my talk show, We Gotta Talk with Sonni, right HERE.
I’m so grateful Sandy shared her time and wisdom. For more on her book and how to work with her, check out her website.
And… Have you checked out We Gotta Talk yet? You totally should!
Every week I dig deep on a topic or issue with an expert or friend, and you’ll walk away from every conversation feeling inspired, informed and entertained.