Dear Nordstrom,

Hey there! So, I hate to do this to you in public and all, but since I consider us friends (truthfully, I’m actually kind of obsessed with you), I have to shoot you straight.

I found a little glitch on your website today. Actually, a big one. And it’s better this come from me than some stranger.

As I was beaching myself on the sofa, watching Disney Jr. with my 4-year-old, I flipped open my laptop to look for some comfortable and cute maternity clothing to get me through the third trimester of my third pregnancy. Only three months left, and lemme tell ya, the waistline of these maternity pants is already beggin’ for mercy, knawmean?

And although I’m not what anyone would ever call delicate or easily offended, the first image that popped up when I searched the word “maternity” in your search bar threw up some red flags. Here, let me show you:

Well, you got one thing right. Nursing bras? Totally important for new, nursing moms!

And, it’s great that you guys have such cute choices! I mean, when you’re haulin’ around two heaving milk boulders for months on end (not as sexy as it sounds, PROMISE!), you need a good bra… you know, to minimize any potentially-uncomfortable outcomes. (See: leaking nipples, wailing baby, lopsided boobs, et al.) And a good nursing bra also goes a long way toward eliminating those strange stares you get while you’re fumbling blindly up your own shirt in public.

But here’s the issue: See, the girl you have in the picture… (This is going to sound kinda presumptuous, I know) well… she ain’t no new mother.

I understand your highly-refined eye for fashion may not allow you to see this, so let me explain why. Actually, there are several not-so-subtle clues:

1 — Presence of makeup

2 – Styled hair

3 – Saucy, devil-may-care smile

4 – Perfectly-applied spray tan

…and then maybe the most glaringly obvious clue of all:

5 – The existence of well-defined ab muscles and absolutely NO trace or hint of a body recently annihilated by the bloody exit of another human being.

And then, e gad! Even more evidence that you guys don’t actually know any new, nursing moms!

Heels!

A thigh gap!

A MATCHING UNDERWEAR SET!!!!

I would also comment on this one…

…but I am too distracted by this “mother’s” perfectly chiseled jawline and 18” waist.

You see, we moms may be sleep deprived, but we are not dumb!

I know you have this whole image thing to keep up–and listen, I like looking at a hot chick just as much as the next guy–but a little Truth in Advertising might go far with the Mom Squad when advertising your products.

Thankfully, you’ve got moms like me to help out! So here’s a tip: If you’re looking for a model that will give your customers a more honest representation of maternity and nursing styles, may I suggest dropping by your local My Gym? You’ll find her in the corner, shoving her newborn’s head under her nursing scarf and dangerously close to flashing a nipple, while screaming at her toddler who’s diving face-first into the ball pit.

Just a few tips. Take ‘em or leave ‘em!

I’ve gotta go. I have found the one product on your website that will truly resonate with pregnant and new moms, no problem whatsoever! And the best part is, this one is one-size-fits-all!

You guys really hit it outta the park with that one! See ya online!!