Ten Things to Tell Your Kids When You Don’t Want Them Touching Any More of that Freakin’ Halloween Candy

1 – The Lie: “The dog ate it!”

2 – The Lie, Part Two: “Daddy ate it!” (Only good when Daddy is not in the room. Strike that—only good when he’s not within a 5 mile radius.

3 – The “Oh, Silly Mommy!”: “I can’t seem to find it right now. Let’s look for it after lunch/dinner/school/nap/fill-in-the blank!

4 – The Stretch:  “You ate it all last night!” (Only good for 2-year-olds and under.)

5 – The Cold Hard Truth: “Eating too much sugar will make your belly hurt. You don’t want to feel sick and have to go to the doctor, do you??”

6 – The I-Can’t-Hear-You: “Did you say Randy? Is that your new imaginary friend??! How cute!!!”

7 – The Distraction: “Did you guys hear that sound outside? I think that’s the ice cream truck!!” (Use this time to grab a handful of candy and throw it in the pantry. Top shelf.)

8 – The Re-Direct: “I do know where it is, but first let’s look at [Insert favorite book/app/movie name] again!”

9 – The Hideaway: “You know what? Mommy put the candy somewhere, but I just can’t seem to remember!”

1. The Cut and Run: No words. Just sprint. Head for your closet and don’t look back. Grab a Three Musketeers on your way.