This hot button topic was recently featured on my weekly live talk show and podcast, We Gotta Talk. If real talk on big topics is your thing, be sure to listen here and watch here.

It definitely seems like a thoroughly modern problem—an addiction to pornography.

A “modern” problem because never before have humans had access to so much at our literal fingertips—information, photos, media. And while the upside of quick information sharing is real, so are the risks.

Ask any mental health expert about this double-edged sword and its impact on our real-life relationships, and one of the things that might come up is an increase in a reported addiction to pornography.

I knew I had to tackle this topic on my talk show and podcast—not only from the perspective of its impacting relationships, but also its impacting and distorting of our teenagers’ perceptions of sex.

Is sex and porn addiction real?

And regarding that last point, Sam told me the most shocking statistic: The average American child, he says, is exposed to some form of pornography for the first time between the ages of 9 and 11. And given that that first exposure can shape a man’ attitude toward women for a lifetime, at least according to this study, I thought this was a topic worth diving into.

So let’s get into it. The expert here is Sam Tielemans, a licensed therapist practicing in Las Vegas, Nevada, whose speciality is helping couples deal with pornography addiction. Here’s what he has to say about a range of topics related to this big issue.

Pornography Addiction: Is It Even Real?

According to Sam, the short answer is yes. And he says he sees couples almost every day who are impacted.

“Most of the time when people struggle with this, it’s because of two things. If I were to funnel everything down to two things, number one–people lack connection. And when we don’t have a sense of connection with our partner or family members or friends, if we feel isolated, then that’s … such a painful experience for us as people.”

“As human beings we’re not meant to be alone, we’re not meant to not have connections, so when we don’t have those it just feels so overwhelming we turn to something that can change how we feel. So that’s number one. Number two is, oftentimes people have these really harsh beliefs about themselves such as, ‘I’m a bad person,’ ‘I’m unworthy,’ or, ‘I’m not good enough,’ and the pain that causes to our self esteem and to our psyche feels overwhelming. So that’s another very common reason that drives people to cope with how they feel.” 

Here’s Why It’s So Hard (on women, especially)

Sam says it’s not uncommon for the half of the couple on the other end of this addiction to feel betrayed. So first things first, if that person is you, you’re not alone. And Sam says you have every right to feel hurt.

“So many people, women especially, have a hard time wrapping their mind around in a relationship, ‘My husband struggles with an addiction yet he says he loves me.’ They cannot reconcile those two things and I don’t blame them.

I understand that, because if she says, ‘Hey, please stop,” and he says, ‘Okay I will,’ and then she finds out he’s lying and he’s still looking at it? She’s gonna naturally think, ‘He doesn’t care about me.’

But the reality is if he’s struggling with an addiction, it’s not that he doesn’t care; it’s just that he doesn’t know how to stop. It’s not as easy as, ‘Put the laptop down,’ or, ‘Close the browser.’ It seems like it should be that easy, but if this is a habit that’s been developing over the course of years, it really isn’t that easy, so he just needs the tools to be able to stop.”

How Can You Tell If Your Partner Has a Problem with Pornography?

There’s no black-or-white answer here, Sam says.

“There’s a spectrum: At the one side of it is no use; then use; then misuse; abuse; dependency and addiction. There’s a huge range. So you can’t just say, ‘Oh my partner looks at this once or twice a month, so therefore they’re addicted and I can’t believe what’s happening.’ It just all depends. There’s a big range.

In terms of addiction though, it’s: Have you tried multiple times and been unable to stop? Does it negatively impact your life in terms of relationship and spirituality and financially and your self esteem and your ability to achieve goals? It just depends on how much this has an influence in your life.”

Here’s How to Heal from a Porn Addiction

The first thing Sam wants you to know is, many couples have overcome this problem.

“Step number one, they have to be clear about why they’re turning to it in the first place. Once you’re clear about that, let’s say it’s a self esteem thing or they don’t know how to let somebody in emotionally they have so many walls up—once you identify what that is—then the path becomes clear in terms of how to heal.

It’s then, let’s get you to be able to start to open up and let your spouse in. Start there and [share] some of the things that’s underneath the surface, and [talk] about your pain in a healthy way instead of just numbing it out and avoiding it which again is the whole intention behind addiction in the first place.

This [is] message of hope. No matter what people are involved in, it’s all just a symptom of the deep thing and once you resolve that, the symptom goes away. “

Want to Work with an Expert to Fix Your Relationship?

Working with an expert is never a bad idea.

If you’re in the Las Vegas area, Sam is available. Find out more on him and his practice here.

If not, Psychology Today is always a great place to start when you’re looking for experts in relationships and mental health.