The closest I ever got to being in jail was, well, being in a jail. The Allegheny County Jail, to be exact, in Pittsburgh. In seventh grade, on a field trip for MADD. All it took was one look at the toilet in the corner of the shared cell to convince me that the slammer was not the place for me.

If you’re anything like me, you wait until the last possible moment to get the nursery everything in life done on time.

So, here we are, 30 weeks into our third pregnancy, and somehow, we have defied all odds and done absolutely nothing to get ready for this baby girl. *pats self on back for much-enjoyed laziness*

On the surface, Sarah and I might seem like we have little in common. She’s a world-famous comedian, actor and single woman. I’m a stay/work-at-home mom, a former TV news anchor, and married with multiple kids.

If you see me rocking back and forth in a random corner today, eyes closed and muttering soothing sounds to myself, it’s because I fear we are approaching a very not so easy milestone in our household these days.

Want to improve your mile time? Try putting shoes on a toddler every day, several times a day, for a few months. You’ll be doing laps around your house and whittle down to like a 6:30 mile in no time flat.

Often when I overhear moms I know talking to their childless friends, they’re always all, “There’s no way to know what how crazy it is until you have kids yourself.”

I’m grateful they heard us out! And as I said in my response to them, I do recognize fashion has to strike a balance sometimes between aspirational and attainable. But I do stand by my thigh gap comment. ?

Hey there! So, I hate to do this to you in public and all, but since I consider us friends (truthfully, I’m actually kind of obsessed with you), I have to shoot you straight. I found a little glitch on your website today. Actually, a big one. And it’s better this come from me than some stranger.

When you grow up in a “girl house” like I did, you naturally get used to doing girly things. Shopping. Dancing lessons. Cheerleading. Baton twirling. (DON’T JUDGE. I can pull a mean toss-up-turn-around to this day.)