Don’t miss my conversation with intimacy expert Susan Bratton on all the ways your intimate life can get better, at any age.

We talk a lot about the big, heavy things here—politics, culture, the things that shapes the world. While this conversation is a little lighter, it’s also about something just as foundational: intimacy.

Susan Bratton has spent decades answering the questions most people are too uncomfortable to ask—very specific questions about sex, the body, and what makes people better lovers and partners.

Admittedly, this conversation gets a little spicy—no listening to this episode with kids around!—but in addition to the very, ahem, technical things that Susan so entertainingly covers, we also talk about the foundations of what makes couples click. Not surprisingly, it boils down to the basics. As I said in our conversation, it’s communication, curiosity, and connection.

So please give the episode a listen when you get a chance, but if you want a quick recap of what we discussed, here’s a summary of some of the questions and answers!

My Conversation with Intimacy Expert Susan Bratton: Great Relationships Don’t Happen By Accident

These questions and answers have been generated from a transcript of our interview and edited for clarity and length. They will include exact quotes from the actual interview, as well as edited quotes for brevity and clarity.

🎙️Sonni: Let’s start by telling everyone—and be as specific as you can—what exactly do you do? How did you get here?

Susan: My title, intimacy expert to millions, is the softened version of what I used to be. I used to call myself trusted hot sex advisor to millions.

People have poured their hearts out to me over emails and in my DMs for decades. I’m a publisher of passionate lovemaking techniques. I think of myself like the Julia Child of sex. I write recipes you can follow.

As homosapiens, our bodies work in very specific ways. When you give them the inputs they need, they’re wildly and massively orgasmic. But we don’t see that demonstrated in the media. It’s still very male, very penis-focused.

So I write the recipes for having really pleasurable, orgasmic intimacy that keeps getting better as you age.

🎙️Sonni: Say someone in a long-term relationship comes to you and says, “I just want a better sex life.” As an intimacy expert, what’s your 101?

Susan: There are two things: The first is, learn how to know what you want, ask for it, and have your partner love that communication. Most people don’t have that. Women have been taught to serve and be available, but the sex isn’t that great for them, so they don’t really know what they want, and they don’t ask. They put up and shut up. And you can’t do that and keep wanting sex your whole life.

Men, on the other hand, are raised in a pecking order. If they’re not winning, they’re losing. They don’t want to be told what to do, so you have to help both people get over that.

The second thing is what I call a “sex life bucket list.” Desire comes from trust and safety, but too much of that becomes boring.

When couples are learning new things together, trying new things together, they start having fun again. You get good in bed together fast once you start talking and trying.

🎙️Sonni: What’s one thing couples who are happy do that unhappy couples don’t?

Susan: They tell the truth. Radical honesty.

Our culture supports withholding, stuffing your feelings, walking on eggshells. You can’t be fully sexually self-expressed if you can’t say what you need to say.

And the hard things aren’t actually what you want or desire. The hard things are your own pettiness, your own shittiness. You have to mature and admit the things that don’t make you look great.

Learning how to live in 100% truthiness. It’s freeing.

🎙️Sonni: What do you want women to understand about their bodies?

Susan: I’ll be 65 in a couple of months, and I’m having the best sex of my life. I have the best body confidence I’ve ever had.

I take care of my whole body like it is a precious treasure. I pay attention to my genitals the same way I do my face or my skin.

So the first thing is: Begin to be aware of how incredible your body is. Stop waiting for a moment of perfection. We live in a body that ages: Use it, enjoy it, love it.

The second thing is: Almost any problem can be fixed. Dryness, low libido, pain—these things can be addressed. There’s almost nothing that has to stop you from having great sex.

🎙️Sonni: What are some other things women might not know about their bodies?

Susan: Blood flow is everything. Women have just as much erectile tissue as men; it’s just distributed differently. It takes about 15 to 20 minutes for that tissue to fully engorge.

Most people rush. They go from a little stimulation straight to intercourse. But the body isn’t ready.

That’s why I say orgasmic intimacy instead of sex, because people think sex means intercourse. But there’s so much more happening.

🎙️Sonni: Given your work as an intimacy expert, do you think technology is helping or hurting relationships?

Susan: Helping. We shouldn’t be afraid of tools. We use tools in every other part of our life, why not here?

Pleasure tools can expand your sensation capacity and improve your orgasmic function. They don’t numb you out; they actually increase your ability to feel.

And where things are going is even more interesting. Technology can help people learn physically, not just intellectually—to feel what something is supposed to feel like. So I’m very hopeful about the future of pleasure and connection.

🎙️Sonni: A lot of women feel shy even learning basic things about their bodies or their intimate wellness. Why do you think that is?

Susan: We don’t learn any of these things. We’re not taught. Our parents didn’t know. We’re not taught in school. We’re taught unusual things. We don’t even know the names of all the parts of our genitals, how they work, etc.

We only see male-focused sexuality in our world. So we’ve never really gotten what we need, even if we don’t know what that is. We literally don’t see it, so we don’t know what we want, so we don’t ask. We just put up and shut up. And you can’t put up and shut up and keep wanting sex your whole life.

🎙️Sonni: When couples start trying to improve their sex life, where do they usually get stuck?

Susan: For a lot of people, where it comes up most, the hardest parts are in unwinding all the sexual repression, the sexual assault, the shame, the lack of knowledge. And it’s across the gender spectrum. It’s not just women or just men. There’s just a lot of endemic shame and upset that has to come out and be processed.

We only see male-focused sexuality in our world. So we’ve never really gotten what we need, even if we don’t know what that is. We literally don’t see it, so we don’t know what we want, so we don’t ask. We just put up and shut up. And you can’t put up and shut up and keep wanting sex your whole life.

🎙️Sonni: What does intimate wellness include?

Susan: The third leg of a really healthy sex life that keeps getting better and gives you a longer, healthier, happier life is intimate wellness.

[I hear things like,] “Oh God, sex hurts. I can’t get an erection. I’m having incontinence. I’ve got no libido.” 

So how do you keep your body wanting pleasure for the rest of your life, so that as you mature, you get better in bed, your sex continues to serve you even more and more? That’s what I do.

🎙️Sonni: As an intimacy expert, what do you say to people who feel like age or physical changes mean that part of life is over?

Susan: Any problems you have can be reversed. Literally anything you have can be fixed, including things like lichen sclerosus, prolapses, vulvodynia, vaginismus, erectile dysfunction, prostate issues. There’s almost nothing that can keep you from having great sex till the day you die with good care and remediation, rejuvenation, reversal of issues. Our tissues atrophy. They can be rejuvenated.

So if you’re feeling like, oh God, I’m so dry, I don’t have libido, or any of those kinds of things, know that.

🎙️Sonni: You talk a lot about communication—what does that actually look like in practice for couples?

Susan: No matter how many techniques I teach as an intimacy expert, they’re no good if you don’t know what you want, can’t ask for it, and can’t make your partner feel like that feedback makes them a winner.

Communication is the foundation. You start with the basics, and then you build from there.

When you have that, you can have a super free-flowing conversation about anything and everything. And for a lot of people, that’s the missing piece. We’re not taught how to do that. We’re taught to hold back, to not hurt feelings, to walk on eggshells.

But you can’t be fully sexually self-expressed with the person who loves you if you can’t say what you need to say.

🎙️Sonni: Why do so many couples lose momentum over time?

Susan: Desire comes from trust and safety, but too much of that becomes boring. That’s the monotony of monogamy—same old, same old.

You’re safe with your partner, you know they’re not going to hurt you, but after a while it’s like, “I’m bored. Am I going to do that again?”

When couples are learning new things together, trying new things together—“I can’t wait till we have two hours and we try this”—that’s when the energy comes back.

You have to be mindfully committed to it. People commit to raising kids, building careers, having a supportive relationship—but they don’t commit to having a great sex life.

When you do, when you have a growth-minded sexual relationship, you start having a lot of fun. You get good in bed together fast once you start talking and trying.

When you’re willing to learn, to try, to talk about it, that’s when everything starts to change. That’s when you open the door to having more pleasure, more connection, and a better relationship overall.

🎙️Sonni: What role does the brain actually play in all of this?

Susan: Your brain is your biggest sex organ because it processes pleasure.

When you stimulate the body, you’re sending signals from your genitals to your brain, and your brain lights up. It’s literally processing that pleasure and amplifying it.

And it’s not just physical—words are part of it too. Erotic talk, appreciation, encouragement, fantasy—that’s a fundamental part of your pleasure.

People are so quiet during sex, but your brain is responding to everything. It’s what’s saying, “Oh, that feels really good.” That’s where the experience is being processed.

🎙️Sonni: If someone out there just wants to start improving their relationship, where should they begin?

Susan: Start with curiosity.

It really comes down to having a growth mindset—wanting to be better, wanting to learn more, wanting to understand your partner and yourself.

And then communication and connection. It’s a holistic experience.

When you’re willing to learn, to try, to talk about it, that’s when everything starts to change. That’s when you open the door to having more pleasure, more connection, and a better relationship overall.

Thank you so much for reading my conversation with intimacy expert Susan Bratton! This has always been a space where you’ll find both serious topics and lighter ones, and for those who are here to take it all in, I’m grateful. Any share helps grow the show and podcast. Just click here!