Some people’s brains dream of putting together outfits; my brain dreams about putting together sandwiches.

Remember how, before having kids, you would wonder to yourself upon seeing a frazzled/screaming/disheveled/otherwise-batshit-crazy mom chasing her kids around the store/park/Starbucks in her trusty athleisure uniform and be all, “Ugh, that will NEVER be me.”

Everywhere, we see new mothers. At the store, newborns snugged into carriers, their tiny, soft faces wilted into their mothers’ chests. In strollers, snugged and bundled against the cold, tiny eyes peeking out from under hats. Everywhere and always, heart-wrenchingly adorable.

One of the upsides to being a giant product addict is being a resource for anyone who wants to snag a great beauty buy for the holidays. Here is my list of faves!

You know what having three kids in five years will give you LOTS of–besides incredible memories, tons of slobbery baby kisses and about a thousand pacifiers that *I promise you*, you will somehow NEVER be able to find at the exact moment when you and your wailing child need them? WRINKLES. Lots of wrinkles.

It feels like I’ve told the story about why I quit my job in television news countless times, and I’m always a bit surprised by how frequently the question comes up not only in interviews I’ve done with other people, but also in day-to-day conversations with friends or other people I meet. Why? they ask. Why would you leave a job you worked so hard to get, and one you so thoroughly enjoyed?

So our 18-month-old is doing this thing lately that’s got me, let’s just say, on edge. I turned my back for literally one minute (1 minute!) the other day while she and the other two kids were in the kitchen, and I kid you not, when I came back in she was walking across the kitchen island.

I’m not saying that kids these days are spoiled by the abundance of hot tool options that make literally almost any person able to avoid the Just-Stuck-My-Finger-in-a-Socket look that I rocked literally from seventh until 12th grade… Wait… actually I am.

So, you just had a baby. Welcome to motherhood! And welcome officially to The Dark Days of Your Nipples. (More on this later.)

Do you have kids and need to get out of the house quickly? Haha just kidding that was a joke DON’T EVEN ANSWER BECAUSE DUH.