Welcome to 5 Questions!

In this feature, you’ll get—you guessed it—five questions and answers from an expert on the week’s topic.

And this week, we gotta talk sex.

A healthy sex life is important for our emotional well-being—an intrinsic part of feeling connected to our partner, which in turn impacts our own mental health.

We’re kicking things off with a new feature you’ll be seeing on this blog all the time: 5 Questions with… where you’ll get a great read about this week’s topic. And this week I’m so excited to launch this series with Zoë Kors!

Zoë is the resident sex and intimacy coach and contributor at Coral, a sexual health app “that shows you how to have your best sex life through personalized lessons, guided exercises, real stories and more.”

Since I’ll be interviewing Zoë this Wednesday live, I wanted to give you all a sneak peek at what she has to say about getting a better sex life, starting now.

Enjoy this 5 Questions, and see you Wednesday for the live interview!

Get a Better Sex Life Starting Now, Sex and Intimacy Coach with Zoë Kors

What’s one big secret about having a healthy sex-life that people don’t know?

The biggest secret of all is that you have to have a great relationship with yourself first.

Culturally, when we talk about our sex-life, we are referring to partnered sex. The foundation of healthy sex with others is a healthy relationship with our own sexuality. That mean, self-knowledge, self-care, and self-love—inside and out. Know how your body works, what feels good, what turns you on, what doesn’t, and what your boundaries are. Taking responsibility for the way you experience your own sexuality is the key to overall sexual health.

What do you want women to know about the importance of sexual health?

We spend an exorbitant amount of time, money, and energy on things to make us feel sexy. [Things like a] Mani-pedi, makeup, hair, cosmetic dermatology services, clothing, and more are focused on the surface.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with those things, but the source of vibrant sexual expression is rooted in sexual wellness—physical wellness, yes, but mental wellness as well.

Sexual wellness includes understanding how your body functions, knowing the difference between desire and arousal, and what you need to experience both.

It also means understanding your cultural influences, what sex means to you, the kinds of messages you’ve internalized over the years, and how to release things that inhibit your enjoyment of sex, like body shame, guilt, and insecurity.

We are conditioned to believe great sex just happens naturally and spontaneously. Nothing could be further from the truth. Consider making sexual wellness a more well-rounded practice by allocating resources (time, money, and energy) towards cultivating a healthy and powerful experience of your inner sexual self.

Sexual wellness includes understanding how your body functions, knowing the difference between desire and arousal, and what you need to experience both.

Best/favorite sex toys/lubes?

My favorite lube is organic unrefined coconut oil because it tastes and smells delicious and spreads easily. Oil-based lubes break down latex, however, making condoms and other forms of latex birth control ineffective.

For use with latex, my favorite water-based lube is Aloe Cadabra. It’s an all-natural lube made from aloe and water and more closely resembles the consistency of natural vaginal lubrication than anything I’ve seen on the market.

Intimacy… sex… we confuse and sometimes conflate the two. What’s more important, and why?

As humans, we are social creatures and thrive on connection. There are many ways to connect: emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical, to name a few. Sex is a form of physical intimacy and is extremely important. It’s built right into our operating system. In fact, the survival of the species depends on it. But all forms of intimacy are important for our overall well being.

For some people, physically intimacy requires emotional or spiritual intimacy. Others may experience overlap, but experience different forms of intimacy in a more compartmentalized way. It’s all valid!

First steps for a couple wanting to improve their sex-life?

I often tell my couples to forget everything they think they know about each other and go back to a dating mindset. Bringing curiosity and mystery to the dynamic sparks desire.

As time goes on, we tend to carry the baggage of every conflict we’ve ever had, and think we know everything there is to know about each other. There is always something more to learn, about ourselves and our partners. Woo each other, flirt with each other. Everything in your lives can be seen as a form of foreplay.